


Confessions In the Real World

by tardistype221b (TardisType221b)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Confessions, Episode: s10e16 Paint It Black, Internal Monologue, M/M, Mark of Cain, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 19:09:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3620994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisType221b/pseuds/tardistype221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was Dean thinking in that confession booth? And could he have confessed to something else as well?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions In the Real World

**Author's Note:**

> This story doesn't have much original dialogue and is mostly focusing on Dean's thought process during this scene. Beta'd by kjhaff. Thanks for reading!

Dean did not like this idea at all. Why couldn't it be Sam going into confession? He was the one with all the faith and stuff,  he had never been to confession in his life. Unfortunately, now was going to be the time to start. Well, he wasn't confessing his real sins. Only bullshit. That helped a little. He was used to selling a story, it would help if he knew anything about how to do this at all but oh well, he was gonna wing it. He entered the confessional booth, it was so small. How could people confess in a place like this? It felt like a cage. He knocked on the barrier separating his booth from the priest.  

"Yes?" He heard the priest question. 

"Hiya father." Dean replied charmingly. 

"Pardon me?" The priest asked. 

"Pardon you? I thought it was the other way around." Dean said. He laughed a little feeling awkward. The atmosphere was entirely forced. He really didn't want to be here. "So, uh, I'm here to clean house." Dean continued. "Need to get some things off my chest." 

"Well alright. Continue." 

"Uh..." Fuck was there something special he was supposed to say? "It's the women father." He didn't know so he figured he'd start from the obvious. "Where do I begin?" 

"Bless me father for I have sinned. As usual." The priest said. Shit now he really was embarrassed. That was so obvious. 

"Right. Yeah. Good. So...that and um, so the women. And this is not something I am proud of." He didn't wanna seem like he was smug after all, he was here to confess. "But I'd like to think we have more of a future than we do." Dean sighed. This was annoying. He should've thought of something earlier. 

"You know uh-" Fuck he had to think of a name. "Gina." 

"Gina?" The priest questioned. 

"Oh and don't get me wrong she was- it was good times, you know how it is. The sex, the lasagna, but I was not honest with her. Sometimes I was seeing two maybe three girls at the same time, sometimes in the same day." He chuckled a little. That was a little much even for him. "You get the picture. It wasn't just Gina, it was endless. It's making me sick!" Hopefully that showed enough remorse, not that he'd ever do that to anyone he was in a relationship with but, still. He was a love 'em and leave 'em type of guy.  

"And you wish to be forgiven my son?" The priest asked. 

"I do. I need to clean up my act." Dean replied. 

"As penance you shall say five Hail Mary's, two Our Father's and reflect on your transgression." The priest said. That was it? Dean wondered. That was a lot of prayer but...it didn't seem like enough. 

"And then that's it? Then I'm good to go?" 

"One would hope some inner exploration might occur. The prayers are just the beginning to some serious soul searching." The priest said. It seemed like a bunch of bullshit to Dean, people could easily fake this crap and then walk out feeling so much better when, really nothing really changed. They had a chance, and they were just throwing it all away. The benefits of not knowing what was really out there, Dean thought. Then the priest voice broke his trance. 

"Is there anything else on your mind Agent Almond?" He asked. Dean almost shook his head. He had done his thing, he confessed, it was time for him to go. But a part of him didn't want to. He had all of this crap bottled up inside and he knew that he needed to let it out, before he exploded, before the Mark took control again. Maybe he could talk about some stuff to the priest, a guy he was never gonna see again, rather than lay this all on Sam. 

"What if I said that...I didn't wanna die, yet? And that I wasn't ready." Fuck, what was he doing? He should just end this now. What if he let something slip? But before he could make his excuses the priest asked him a question. 

"Are you expecting to?" 

"Always." Dean confessed. He couldn't remember the last time he wasn't waiting for something horrible to happen to either him or Sam, and if something was happening to Sam, then Dean would do anything to save him. "Yeah, the life I live. The work I do." He couldn't elaborate more but he hoped that the priest would get the picture. "I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me. You know, tear around, jam the key in the ignition, haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought, sooner or later, I'd go out the same way that I live, pedal to the metal and that would be it."  

But things were changing, after what he had become before, after he had died with the Mark, after everything that he had gone through, he wanted something else. He didn't want this ever present fear of death hanging upon him, that had literally marked him with evil. He wanted it gone but that wasn't an option, and the people he loved refused to do the right thing by removing him from this world. 

"But now, now um... recent events... make me think that'd I might be closer to that then I really thought." Fuck what was he thinking, he couldn't say this, to a  _priest_  of all people. But he wanted to say it, at least to one person, just someone he would never see again that would just be another stop on the endless road trip that was his life. "And um, I don't know there's things...people." Fuck he was doing it. "Feelings that I-I wanna experience differently than I had before. Or maybe, even for the first time." 

"Go a little deeper perhaps." The priest interrupted. "With Gina." No fuck this, if he was gonna confess he was gonna dive head in. Despite wanting to just open up, it was so hard to admit it out loud for the first time.  

"There's someone else... Uh... Cas." How does one explain to a priest that they're in\- have feelings for their angel best friend, who happens to look like a dude? "That's who I really... um, l-lo-have feelings for." He got it out, but it took a lot of out of him. Taking a deep breath, Dean waited for the priest to reply. He knew that he couldn't tell him that Cas was a dude. That would probably be a no-no in this situation. 

"But you said you have a future with Gina?" The priest asked hesitantly. 

"Yeah I feel like I do, but... Cas. Cas is really who I want. But I don't deserve Cas." And that was the truth. Cas deserved so much better than him, Cas could never want him. Hell, who could? Dean wondered. Definitely not Cas that was for sure. Cas should be with someone who really gets him, who appreciates him and everything that he is, that won't take advantage of him, and someone who's just overall, better than Dean. 

"What makes you think that?" The priest asked. Dean shook his head. 

"So many reasons father, I don't think I can list them all. Cas deserves better than me and that's all there is to it. I satisfy myself with others but...I don't think these feelings will ever stop." Dean said, resigned. "I guess I just have to live with that the best I can." He stayed quiet after that as the priest said the words for the end of the ceremony and then he was sent off to do penance, fully intent on putting the conversation out of his mind forever. He had made his peace with it. 

Of course, Dean's luck never lasted. Within hours of having confessed for the first time, Sam was trying to get him to talk to him, he had that look in his eye, like he  _knew_  what he was thinking. He never liked that look at times like this. He knew what was coming before Sam even spoke. 

"You know you were in that confessional a long time." Of course, because half the time he was in there wasn't even relevant to the case, it was him dumping his own crap onto the poor priest, may he rest in peace. "Look man I'm just saying." Here it comes. "I'm your brother. If you ever need to talk about anything, with anybody, you got somebody right here next to you." The way Sam looked at him, it was like he knew exactly what he had said in that confessional and was just waiting for Dean to come to him.  Maybe Sam really wouldn't react that badly to Dean having feelings for an angel, for their best friend. Maybe what Sam was saying was that Dean  _really could_  come to him with this. Dean wasn't sure. 

In a perfect world, maybe he'd try. But in a perfect world he wouldn't have to worry about the Mark. In a perfect world he wouldn't have to fight against the demon influence inside him everyday and be waiting for a death sentence that should have happened months ago. But this, this was the real world, and it didn't leave room for such luxuries, and while Sam impassioned him to fight back against the Mark, Dean only grew more certain that the road he was on, wouldn't have a happy ending. He just hoped that Sam and Cas wouldn't get caught in the crossfire.  


End file.
